Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize