I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
