I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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