just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
