I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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