I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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