Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
