I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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