it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
