if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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