I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
