I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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