my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
