My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
