i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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