Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
