Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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