Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
