"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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