Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
