I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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