And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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