my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
