The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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