nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
