I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
