News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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