I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
BRING THE BAGELS
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
