there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
