My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
40s are totally the cure
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
