There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Someone signed my nipple.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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