This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
