So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
