I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
