Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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