hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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