i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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