It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My life is pants optional.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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