I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
