I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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