Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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