Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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