I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
