So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
