I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
