and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
