I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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