She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
