saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
