she woke up with a sticky ear
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
