Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
