im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
