if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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