Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize