My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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