I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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