If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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