fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize