I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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