When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
