Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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