I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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