Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
