Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
