Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
