I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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