i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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