Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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