I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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