I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
